Keeping it ‘In-House’

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       I’ll be the first to admit that I use to tell my friends EVERYTHING in my past relationships. I would have an argument with my boyfriend and literally call my friends as soon as I would hang up with him. And I didn’t just call one friend, I would call multiple friends and tell them the same story. One particular time I actually forgot that I had told my friend already, called her again, and her response was, “Mesa, you told me this already.” I felt foolish, but I could not stop. I realize now that I honestly didn’t vent to them for any other reason than for them to have my back and validate that I was right in the situation. I never called or told anyone about the fights we had where I was wrong or could be perceived as wrong, but I always vented when he was the culprit. I noticed that after the talk I would be even more upset and start spewing off really hurtful things because in my mind my friends had validated that I was right and sort of “pumped me up”.

I remember when my boyfriend and I started dating, we weren’t an official couple yet, but we had this really big argument and before I even told him what was wrong I called my friend to tell her. Looking back, that was a HUGE mistake. I hadn’t even given him time to explain or defend himself before I had taken it to outside counsel. As I was venting to my friend he walked in, we talked and after a while of going back and forth we made up. My friend texted me to see if everything was okay and I replied, “Yes, I will give you all the details tomorrow,” to which she replied, “No need, as long as you guys are okay I don’t need to know the details.” Huh? She didn’t want to know the juicy details of what he said and what he did? That was the beginning of my revelation that if I wanted my relationship to work that I would have to start keeping things “in-house” and just between us. Here are a few reasons/points why I think this is crucial to any healthy relationship:

  1. Let’s be honest, your friends really don’t want to hear it.

Yes, I said it! You friends do not want to hear every single time you and your significant other have a fight or disagreement ESPECIALLY when all you’re going to do is stay with them and continue the same behavior. If you and your partner are constantly arguing about the same things and you tell your friends, nine times out of ten they are rolling their eyes on the other side of the phone or text. They have given their advice many times and you still don’t get it. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s perfectly okay to seek advice from friends who are in HEALTHY relationships or who can give you spiritual advice, but not everything needs to go to them. When you take all the bad things to your friends they develop a dislike for your partner and then you have the added problem of convincing them that your significant other “really is a good person”. Cut down on the bad talk about your partner and only take things to them that you’re a mature enough to handle when they tell you what you did wrong.

  1. Keeping things “in-house” strengthens your relationship.

In my opening paragraph I stated that I had run and told my friend why I was upset before I even told the person who I was dating. And let’s be honest, all of us have done this before. They say something in the car ride home and instead of talking about it you immediately whip out that phone and start texting like you are running a marathon. AND THEN, this is my favorite, when they ask you what’s wrong, your response is “nothing” or “I’m fine”. (My boyfriend is reading this and shaking his head because I am famous for the “I’m fine” responses.) There is nothing wrong with taking time to cool down and gather your thoughts, but don’t involve other people before you tell your partner what is bothering you and give them the opportunity to move forward. I have learned that when you only work it out with your partner then you guys develop a strength that is not very common in today’s society with social media being as prevalent as it is today. You become a lot closer because you aren’t bringing in the opinions of Tina, Ricky, and Dina.

  1. Know the difference between bragging and acknowledgement.

I read something on Facebook the other day that read, “People who brag in their relationships are really insecure.” I immediately took offense primarily because I am a huge proponent of giving people their flowers while they can smell them. I do not think you are bragging if you make a status about something nice your significant other did for you or someone else. In a world where we tear our significant others down via social media all the time, I find it refreshing to see someone post something nice about their partner, especially when it is not excessive. When you truly find someone who loves you and makes you better you really do want to scream it from the rooftop, but you have to learn the balance. Keeping it “in-house” refers to acknowledgments too. You don’t have to share every time he brings you flowers or the tickets she got you to your favorite sporting event. Keep some things between yourselves and you will appreciate you because the joy you feel when posting will instead transfer for your partner to feel.

       In summary, I would be lying if I said I didn’t share things with my friends about my relationship, but I can say that I don’t share everything and I honestly don’t want to anymore. I want secrets and memories that I just have with my boyfriend and there is nothing wrong with that. It is a clear sign of maturity when you choose to talk it out with your significant other and not your friends. After all, you guys are a team. Teammates don’t solicit advice from the spectators when they are in a jam. Learn to keep things private and watch your relationship flourish.

 

Queen Mes ❤

True Life: I’m Insecure

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I can remember when I first started my current relationship. I was so excited that we had taken the step from friends to lovers. I thought I was ready, no I knew I was ready for something new and exciting. For the first time I felt like I could truly trust a person with my heart. And then my insecurities reared their ugly heads. I thought I was over everything my ex had done to me, but truth be told I was not. I still had scars and bruises that I had tried to cover up. I learned that I was broken, and I never knew how broken I was until I got into a good relationship. That’s what insecurities does to people. It makes them remember all the bad even in the mist of everything good. You can be the best boyfriend/girlfriend a girl/guy could ask for, but insecurities will come in and tell you that it’s too good to be true. Not only will insecurities make you think they are too good to be true, but they will also cause you to think that you are not worthy of this good thing. That’s when trouble starts and you start to sabotage a good thing simply because you are use to things going wrong. You cannot even enjoy the present feelings because you have calculated in your mind that something will go wrong in the future.

We are sometimes so consumed by our insecurities that we do not realize that our significant others are struggling to stay afloat. A good partner will literally do and say everything they can to help you, but if you do not first recognize the insecurities and then vow to change them then nothing will be resolved. It’s okay to tell them that you are scared to give them your heart or that sometimes you do not always believe them when they say they will not hurt you. Communication is vital in any relationship, but more important in those where one or both partners are insecure. It is okay to be vulnerable to the RIGHT person. It is okay to feel safe with someone who has proven time and time again that they are trustworthy. One of the biggest pieces of advice that I can give someone who is battling insecurities in a relationship is that YOU ARE WORTH IT! You DESERVE for someone to treat you right, you’ve kissed enough frogs and now you are experiencing your Prince/Princess. God wants you to know that you deserve everything that he has blessed you with and don’t make him a liar by rejecting the thing that YOU ASKED FOR. You cannot ask for a good man/woman and then when they come you ruin it with your insecurities.

For those people who are dealing with an insecure person, recognize that the problem is not you. One of the biggest problems you will verbalize to your partner is that you have not given them a reason to not trust you. Well I challenge you today to change your thinking and give them reasons to trust you! Insecure people do not go into any relationships trusting, it has to be earned. Be patient with them, we all have flaws so work with them to fix the insecurities. I know sometimes it can be frustrating especially when you feel like you are doing everything right. It’s easier said than done, but do not take it 100% personal and keep in mind that their past has shown them that people are not trustworthy and to never give them 100%. It is up to you to change that and show them that true love is real.

In summary, “sometimes our thoughts are backed by so much insecurity, that they create lies we believe.” Start believing that you are worth it and that you deserve to be truly loved. The rest will work itself out.

Queen Mes

Love and War

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My grandmother had this quote on the wall of our bathroom when I was younger. It read, “Be careful of the words you say so keep them soft and sweet, for you never know from day to day which ones you’ll have to eat.” I remember reading it every day, but I never really understood how important it would be in my life, especially in my relationships. Arguing and disagreements are inevitable in any type of relationship. I personally believe that you cannot categorize your situation as a “real relationship” until you have a fight or go through something tough together. It’s important to see what type of fighter your partner is because trust me you want to know if your dream guy is a yeller or if your dream girl likes to throw things around the room when she’s angry. The fighting part is going to happen, but how do you express your feelings, but still try to save your relationship? I’m glad you asked:

  1. Fight in the moment.

This is crucial when arguing because we all have the tendency to sometimes justify why we are upset because of something that happened months or even years ago. For example, if you are angry because he forgot to put the toilet seat down then talk about that. Don’t bring up that fact that he did not open the car door for you last month or that he ignored you during the Super Bowl two years ago. When you start adding extra baggage to hurt feelings the result is an argument that went from 0 to 100 real quick.

  1. Don’t hit below the belt.

This one is hard because it’s sometimes our natural instinct to hurt someone who we feel is hurting us. STOP. NO. DON’T. Do not bring up things from his/her childhood that you know are a sensitive subject for them and do not say things that you know will hurt them. We all know some things that will push our partner’s buttons and hurt them When this happens things turn from a simple argument or disagreement to a bashing session where feelings are hurt long after the argument is over. Fight fair and remember that you love this person.

  1. Take responsibility for yourself.

“I know I hurt you, but it’s because I feel like you keep hurting me.” Sound familiar? When you partially take the blame and point out the blame in others you are justifying your wrong actions. Take ownership for what you did wrong and let your partner acknowledge what they did wrong. Do not water down your mess by exposing “the reason” you did something. If you are in a mature relationship then both of you should know how to take responsibility for your wrongdoings without exposing the infirmity of your partner. I promise you if you add this suggestion into your relationship your arguments will be finished in half the time.

In summary, “You can’t have a relationship without any fights, but you can make your relationships worth the fight.”

Queen Mes ❤

I Wanna Know…

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When I was a little girl I was obsessed with fairy tales. Truth be told I kind of still am. There was something so magical to me about a man coming to declare his undying love for a woman, sometimes one that he had just met. So where did we go wrong? I’m sure we have all asked our man, “Babe why do you love me?” or “What do you love about me?” His answer: I just do or I love everything about you. -____-. And then we get mad and overthink everything and say, “OMG he really doesn’t love me.” Don’t lie, we have all been there. So why do men have a hard time telling you that they love how you support them or the way you walk or that you are the best thing that has ever happened to them? I should probably insert something here that gives a thumbs up to all of the ladies who hear these things regularly. Either he’s emotionally intact or you’re one heck of a girlfriend. But for everyone else who finds it hard to get your man to really say how he feels let’s look at some reasons and solutions to why he is not opening up.

That old thing.

I know you don’t want to hear about anyone else being with your man before you, but we have to go there for a moment. Maybe your man started out as one of those lovey dovey of men who expressed their feelings all the time, left notes throughout the house, and just always said what was on his mind and in his heart. And then (insert scary music) Kiesha came along. Most men have experienced a Keisha in their lives. The one they gave their heart to and she played them. Now he’s scarred and is scared to let down his guard with another woman.

He doesn’t want to seem weak and vulnerable.

Women by nature are emotional creatures and men are well let’s be honest they are not. They can literally slam their fingers in the door and say, “It’s all good” whereas when we chip a nail it’s armagedon. Most times men view expressing feelings to a woman as being weak. Crazy, right? It’s very true. They want to remain macho and their pride allows them to put on a front sometimes even if his heart is bursting with heart emojis for you.

YOU.

Yup, I said it. Sometimes the reason he is not opening up to you about how he feels is because of you. Maybe you pressure him too much or he feels like he always has the wrong answer to your questions. Maybe you are trying to change him and he has literally shut down and won’t allow you in anymore.

So now that we have explored some reasons why he may not express his feelings let’s look at how to get him to express them.

Create a trusting environment.

Don’t just tell him, show him that he can trust you with his heart. Be his biggest supporter, his best friend, and his confidant and I promise eventually he will open up and tell you what his heart feels for you.

Don’t rush him.

A man will express how he feels for you when he is ready. You cannot rush him or speed up the process. Allow him the time he needs and not what is convenient for you.

Don’t abuse his trust.

If he confides in you that he has been hurt and is scared, ladies do not abuse that information. If and when a man confides a secret to you or something that he is embarrassed about admitting KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Do not tell your girlfriends or even worse do not bring it back up in an argument to hurt him. Trust me.

In summary, the most sincere feelings are the hardest to be expressed by words.

Queen Mes & Jrahdi

Recurrence

I still feel butterflies in my belly when I think of you.
As if I swallowed cocoons for spaghetti, I still feel butterflies when I see you.
From the core of me I shine because you inspired divine energy.
You replenished a faith that was faltering with your golden satchel of mustard seeds.

-Jrahdi

 

Got Boundaries?

The Real is one of my favorite shows on daytime television right now. I love how five spunky ladies, all from different backgrounds, come together and talk about today’s hot topics. The other day I was watching and an audience member asked a really interesting question. She wanted to know what boundaries you should set for your partner when they are going out on the town with their friends. Before the ladies gave their opinions I went into flashback mode and remembered all the ridiculous boundaries I tried to set in previous relationships. “Don’t get anyone’s number.” “Don’t cheat on me.” “Respect me.” Looking back I see how crazy and insecure I was to even set “rules” for my significant other while he was out with his boys. I learned something really important about making rules when your s.o. goes out without you..DON’T!

Simple, right? I’ll directly target my ladies on this one. Stop. No. Don’t. Ladies, if you have to tell your man not to cheat on you or to respect you when he is out with his boys then you probably should not be with him. A REAL man/woman knows how to go out with friends, have fun, and respect you all at the same time. If you are like me then you secretly do not like when your s.o. goes out without you (be honest) especially when you view them as your best friend too. And if they have fun without you? (insert scary music lol) The thought of him having fun without you is not a good feeling, but he cannot be with you 24/7. Maybe I’m alone in this one, huh? I learned that I had to let my s.o. go out with his friends and LEAVE HIM ALONE! You’ve probably stopped reading after that, but if I still have your attention just hear me out. I have learned from experience that when a woman is encouraging and supportive of her man going out (not excessively) and does not text him every five seconds then she is on his mind more.

When you let him have fun alone then nine times out of ten he will realize how much he misses you, text you frequently, and skip the after party with his boys to come home to you. No man wants to come home to a nagging women so if you have complained all night about him being out do not expect him to hurry home and shower you will love and affection. LET HIM BE. This applies to you too fellas. Let her enjoy her time without you so that when she does come home all she wants is to be around you.

SN: There are acceptable “rules” to give your significant other when they do go out. 1. Let me know when you get there. 2. Let me know if plans change and you end up somewhere else. 3. Let me know when you get home safely. Let’s be honest, we live in a crazy world so checking the safety and well being of your mate should always be acceptable. SN: If he/she forgets to text you when they get to their destination do not trip, simply send a quick text to check in, but DON”T KILL THEIR VIBE.

In summary, if you have to constantly to worry or set boundaries about him/her going out then you need to reevaluate yourself first (maybe some hidden insecurities) and then the relationship itself. A good bf/gf should never have to be told how to behave when they are out of your presence. Give them the space they need. After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder. 

Queen Mes ❤

Friends after Loverz: Is it Possible?

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One of my favorite shows is “A Different World” primarily because of the relationship between Dwayne Wayne and Whitley Gilbert. Whitley and Dwayne had a rocky start, but somewhere in Season 5 they decided to take their friendship to the next level and get into a relationship. If you watch the show then you know that Dwayne and Whitley decided to end their engagement primarily because Dwayne went on a date with another woman, but also because he and Whitley weren’t as compatible as they thought. Since they had all the same friends and still worked closely together they decided to stay “friends.” Let’s be honest people we all have ended a relationship with the same conclusion: we will always be friends. But is it really possible to be friends with an ex?

Webster defines a friend as, “a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.” I think Webster hit it right on the head. It’s not possible to be friends with someone you have been intimate (emotionally, mentally, or physically) with…immediately. Hear me out for a second. When I think of my friends I think of people I can call no matter the time of day with my joys, fears, and drawn out love stories. If you end a relationship with someone and you do not feel comfortable talking to them about another guy/girl then you are not ready to be true friends. Even if you feel comfortable, if they are not ready to receive that information without hidden anger or jealously then they are not ready to be your friend.

With time, SPACE, and self reflection I do think it is possible to be friends with someone you have dated in the past, but past is the keyword. You cannot be true friends with someone you just dated two weeks ago and if you can then you didn’t invest much into that relationship.I think as young people we are naive in thinking that someone we have invested so much time in will always be around when the sad reality is that time invested is not always good time.

If you have an ex and you want to truly be their friend you have to give it time. When we rush from relationship to friendship we end up hurt or falling back into a relationship we wanted out of. For example, you broke up two weeks ago, but because you decided to be “friends” you still text or talk everyday. What’s the difference? I’ll tell you…nothing. One or two things will happen: 1. You will end up back into the relationship or 2. You will end up hurt even more because your emotions are tied to someone who is not technically yours anymore. TAKE TIME!

Towards the end of Season 5 Whitley meets Byron Douglas, a state senator who knocks Whitley off of her feet. Dwayne realizes that he cannot be just friends with Whitley because he still loves her and hates the thought of her being with someone else. He even goes as far as stopping their wedding and asking Whitley to marry him mid ceremony. Of course this is a show, but the point is if you cannot stomach the thought of your ex being with someone else then you are not ready to be their friend.

In summary, make sure you are truly ready before uttering those famous words, “We can still be friends.”

Queen Mes ❤

After the Storm

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So you had a fight? Take a breath, remain calm, and relax. Every relationship goes through arguments, disagreements, and fights (not physical, that’s not cool). So how do you deal with that period after the storm? You know the moment before the calm comes when you are still angry and you may be thinking about doing something or saying something you may regret in the future. It’s hard not to want to retaliate especially when you feel wronged by your significant other. Let’s explore how to handle that time after the storm.

Time out.
In past relationships I always had to have the last word. (My boyfriend would argue that I still do LOL.) I had to realize that everything I was thinking or feeling was not appropriate to say so now I TRY to end the conversation before things escalate too far. There is nothing worse than intentionally trying to hurt someone who hurt you. Two wrongs never make a right. When we talk, yell, and scream out of anger we end up regretting it in the future. Take some time to calm down, regroup, and analyze your part in the argument. Remember that you love this person.

Texters never prosper.
I know I am not the only one who ends a phone conversation and then realizes that I forgot to say something and texts it when the heat is still high. STOP. NO. DON’T. A text message is never the right way to discuss something important because texts do not come attached with tones and emotions. It is very easy to read a text and misconstrue what the person means especially in, during, or after an argument.

You don’t want that old thing back!
I can remember a time in my younger and naïve days when I use to have an argument with someone I was dating and when he would upset me I would reach out to an old flame. This is the NOT the answer. There is a reason you left that guy/girl in the past and do not forget that reason. You and your significant other maybe fighting for a moment, but what seems like forever will be over before you know it. You do not want to be back on cloud 9 with your “boo” and then trying to juggle texting your ex on the side. It creates drama and mess that you both do not need.

The calm will soon come.
I know it’s hard when you have an argument with your significant other. Especially when it happens on a day when you have absolutely nothing to do or at night when your normal routine includes talking to them until you both fall asleep. The great thing about a healthy relationship is that one of you will eventually try to make amends with the other. When that time comes be respectful, listen, and agree to move forward.

In summary, “it’s all about finding the calm in the chaos.”

Reality vs. Potential

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 “I love him and I know he can change. He is not where I want him to be, but I trust that he will get there eventually.” Does this sound familiar? We, as women, have all fallen in love with a guy who we honestly knew was no good from the start, but because we saw a small glimmer of hope inside of him we decided to waste our time. We tend to sometimes alter our “list” of standards to appease our physical need for affection, attention, and companionship. The sad reality ladies is that most men do not settle. If they want a woman who is light skinned with green eyes, they will find someone who is light skinned with green eyes. Don’t get me wrong, while they search they will still waste your time (if you don’t fit their dream girl description), but they will rarely settle down with someone who isn’t what they really want. We as women tend to fall in love with the potential of what a guy can be rather than the reality of who they really are.

First things first, you will never change a man who does not want to change. It does not matter how great of a person you are. You can be the prettiest, smartest, most giving person in the world, but a man who is not fully ready to commit to you will only waste your time. You will get sick of him and have your foot almost out of the door, but when he realizes it he will reach into his pocket, show a little potential, and you will stay. It happens more often than not. I can recall a particular situation in a past relationship where I knew very early that I was in love with his potential and not his reality. A relationship with God was extremely important to me, and he knew it, so every time I would try to end the relationship he would bring God into the situation saying, “God wants us to be together.” I fell for it (I cannot tell a lie), but eventually the potential that I was desperately trying to see turned into a distant memory and I left.

The world (media, friends, and social networks) will tell you that you are “too picky” and you will never have your “dream guy”, but I disagree. No, you will never find someone who is perfect and faultless because let’s be honest no one is perfect, but you will and can find someone who is perfect for you. When we realize that our standards should not be altered and stop accepting the potential of guys and start relying on the reality we will save ourselves a lot of heartache. Do not hold on to the hope that your guy will change for you because he will not if he is not ready. Fall in love and be committed to the reality of what he shows you on a daily basis instead of solely relying on potential that may never grow.

In summary, “never apologize for having high standards. People who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them.” 

Queen Mes ❤

The Art of Forgiveness 

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“You want me to forgive them after all they have done to me? No, no, no I don’t think you understand how much I trusted them and they betrayed me. They were supposed to love me and be there for me, but they were no where to be found when I was down and out.” Does this monologue sound familiar? There isn’t a person on this planet who hasn’t either asked someone for forgiveness or had to forgive someone. But what about those of us who have been harboring feelings of unforgiveness for a very long time? It could be an incident from your childhood that you just never got over or a past relationship where you gave it your all only to be hurt in the end. It’s so easy when people say you have to forgive someone or it holds you back, but in reality you don’t always feel like that. Sometimes we hold grudges or harbor unforgiveness because we don’t want to face the issue or relive the moment when the hurt happened. Let’s examine some different ways to truly forgive and start living your life.

1. Recognize the unforgiveness.

As I stated above, some people don’t realize they have issues of unforgiveness because it’s been there so long and has become a part of their daily lives. Your body has literally gotten so immune to you holding a grudge against someone who hurt you that even when someone points it out you get defensive and deny that the grudge was ever there. The first step to fixing any issue is to first admit that the issue is there and needs to be fixed. After you admit that you have to forgive someone the process of forgiveness can truly begin.

2. Unforgiveness not only affects you, but those around you too.
When you harbor unforgiveness towards someone it not only affects you and your health, but it also can affect those closest around you. I had so much unforgiveness in my heart towards a particular person that it started seeping into another relationship. Unforgiveness is like stage 4 cancer, it spreads to other things including people who have never done anything to you. I found myself punishing this innocent person for something they had no control over. When it was brought to my attention at first I was in denial, but ultimately it started to make sense. My feelings of distrust and the anxiety that came from it was damaging a good thing.

3. Expect road bumps.
When you start the process of forgiveness and that person is still in your life expect road bumps. When I was younger I would try to forgive a certain individual and then they would do something to me that literally made me have to start the process over. Take the expectation of change off the person you are forgiving. Just because you want to forgive them does not mean they will change. Some people will never change their ways, but don’t let that stop you from forgiving them.

4. Forgiveness doesn’t happen overnight.
I really dislike when people think that you should just be able to snap your fingers and every hurt from your past will be forgotten and forgiven. It’s not that easy! When you are finally ready to start the process of forgiveness you have to know that it won’t happen overnight. You won’t wake up the next morning with jolly feelings towards the ex who hurt you to the core or that friend who left you out to dry when you needed her the most. The great thing about forgiveness is that when you really start the process and stay on course you will eventually be set free! You will not forget what the person did, but it will no longer be the first thing you think of when someone mentions their name.

In summary, “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

Are We In This Together?

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During the NBA Finals I noticed something very unique about Lebron James. Yes, his basketball skills were amazing, but the thing that stood out to me the most was the comradery he shared with his teammates both on and off the court. In press conferences he never threw them under the bus and even had individual handshakes for each team member. Watching Lebron James support his teammates on and off the court was impressive to me primarily because most relationships are not exhibiting this same comradery. We sometimes act like rivals instead of teammates. Have you ever thought of your significant other as a member of your team or do you tend to view them more as a rival?  Here are the essential things that every “PowerTeam needs to win the big game:

1. Support each other

Support is essential in any relationship ESPECIALLY a romantic one. You truly have to be your partner’s biggest fan. A simple, “I believe in you” or “I support you 100%” makes all the late nights and sacrifices worth it. No one is 100% confident all the time and that is when your “teammate” needs to step it up and remind you of the power that you have. There is no support like that from your significant other. When you root for each other a bond forms that is unparalleled.

2. Positive Communication

I learned the hard way that it is not what you say, but how you say it. I can tell my boyfriend to turn the music down without yelling at him or cursing. When I yell or curse my “teammate” is viewing me as a rival because a good team does not communicate that way. How is he suppose to believe that we are a team when I am talking to him as a crazed fan from the sideline. Same for the guys. When communicating with your “teammate” your tone needs to come off as serious, but tactful. When a woman feels like you are attacking her she will become defensive and that is never a good thing. Remember to speak to one another in a respectful way. After all, you both are playing for the same team.

3. Cut down on the bad Girl/Guy talk

In one Cavs press conferences a reporter asked Lebron how he felt about a particular teammate who did not perform well and caused the team to lose the game. Lebron could have thrown his teammate under the bus, but he did not. Instead of focusing on what he did not do he highlighted his teammates strengths in the game and ended with a plan for all of them to do better. You cannot get into the habit of throwing your “teammate” under the bus. You want the spectators rooting for you too and not booing from the sidelines. Keep the negative talk to a minimum.

4. Don’t take things so personal

It is very easy for your significant other to think you are rivals when you point out a flaw or something they are not doing right. They get defensive and feel the need to defend themselves and their actions. A good team does not operate like that. If you partner informs you of something you are not doing right or something they want you to do differently it is your job as their teammate to listen. Of course this is only when the suggestions will benefit your “team.” This is where point number 2 really comes into play. The ultimate goal for any team is to win which means BOTH of you will get to a point where you have to make some changes. Don’t take them personal and remember that your teammate loves you and it is coming from a good place.

In summary, relationships are team work, not one against the other.

Queen Mes ❤