Deal or No Deal?

You meet them through a mutual friend and you two hit it off great! You agree to have dinner and you spend the evening talking about your future aspirations and your likes and dislikes. You think this could be the one! You’ve been waiting to find someone to share your time with and then they hit you with the bombshell…they have a child. At first you play it off and end the date on a high note, but on the way home you really start to wonder…”can I really date someone with a child?” According to the Census Bureau there were 9.9 million single mothers living with children younger than 18 in 2014, up from 3.4 million in 1970. So what do you do? Do you embrace the potential blessing of being in a child’s life or do you run from the dreaded “baby mama/father drama?” I wanted to do something different in this post so below you will read some real quotes from Lazy Loverz readers about the pros and cons of dating someone with a child:


PROS
“Dating someone with a child is interesting because you get to see your partner in another light. My fiancé’ eats, sleep and breathes his daughter and it makes me love him even more. I was always the type to say I WOULD NEVER DATE ANYONE WITH A CHILD, but the pros outweigh the cons.”


“Children are blessings, and if you get the chance for someone to allow you to be in that blessings (the child’s) life then you’re really the one winning”


“I always said I would never date a guy with kids until I actually got with one. Honestly the best relationship I been in, taught me a lot about myself because I admit I was selfish & dating somebody with kids you learn the first priority he has is his child. Especially if we plan to be together for a long time I am able to see him as a father & how responsible he is.”


“Dating someone with a child is not so bad depending on the relationship they have with the child’s mother.”


“It’s okay to date someone with children, as long as you feel secure that he/she has a handle on the situation. Not that the situation is perfect, but if he/she can’t articulate to you what situation you’re getting yourself into then how can they expect you to feel secure?”


CONS
“I’m bias when it comes to this because I’ve always dated people with children before I had my son. After having my son I cannot date a man with a child for many reasons: 1. I don’t want to be responsible for anyone’s child but my own. 2. They cost a lot, so now everything is double because what you do for one you have to do for the other. 3. Who knows if the two parents will make? I don’t want to introduce my son to another man or a child and they create a bond and he’s ripped away from them in the event of a break up. 4. I’m still with the father”


“Personally I prefer not to date anyone with a child for a few reasons 1) I don’t have any children of my own and I refuse to play step mom to someone’s child 2) I would love to start a family of my own with my husband and I would hate to sell myself short by settling with someone who has a child 3) BABY MAMA DRAMA! Although every female does not fit into this category, there are a handful that act crazy when their child’s father becomes involved with another female. When you date someone with a child you don’t have a choice but to deal with the baby mother especially if you are around the child a lot. All in all I have nothing against those who choose to date people with a child, I just would prefer not to.”

“I hate that no matter what I’ll never be their number one priority, their child will come first. That sounds super selfish, but I mean that. When I randomly say I want to take a road trip, I want to go. I don’t want it to be your weekend with your son/daughter.”

“I have personally been in a relationship with someone with a child and in the beginning it was amazing. I loved the fact that I got a glimpse of the type of father he would be to my child and then it took a turn for the worst. I found out from his child’s mother that they were still having sex and it hurt me to the core. Needless to say I will not put myself in that predicament anymore.”

“I would not date anyone with a child because I want my first child to be my husband’s first child too. I want us to experience raising a child for the first time together.”

So what do you think? Could you date someone with a child? Does the fear of baby mama/father turn your completely off or do the pros of a beautiful blessing in the form of a child outweigh the cons? Let me know in the comment section below!

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Friend vs. Foe

“She’s like a sister to me, we have known each other forever.” “He’s always been like a big brother, you have nothing to worry about.” Like Sunshine Anderson said, we have all heard it all before. It’s unrealistic to be in a relationship nowadays with someone who doesn’t have friends of the opposite sex, but you have to know the difference between a friend and a foe. Don’t get me wrong I am a believer in completely platonic friendships between the opposite sex, however let’s keep it 100 that is not always the case. Some people pose as friends to learn the details of your relationships and misuse that information for their own opportunity or selfish desire. So how do you know if they are really a friend or a foe?

Your female/ male “friends” may actually be foes if the following has happened or is continuing to happen:

1. They are single or in a relationship, but are constantly comparing their man to you or saying they want someone like you. “I wish my man was like you” is not appropriate conversation for friendship.

2. They are very aware of your relationship, but do not RESPECT your relationship (there is a HUGE difference). Nowadays it does not matter if someone knows you are in a relationship, it’s about whether or not they RESPECT it. (i.e. Sheila knows about your girlfriend Trisha but constantly talks bad about her or makes disrespectful jokes). This is not okay!

3. When you try to discuss your relationship they either change the subject or their body language changes and they become aggravated or annoyed. This one is important because nothing is worst than a silent foe.

4. They don’t respect boundaries. If your “friend” is constantly calling all times of the night especially when you are with your significant other then they do not respect their friendship boundaries and could possibly be a foe. This also includes showing up often unannounced when your significant other is present.

Bonus* If your significant other has a real problem with the two of you meeting or possible getting to know one another then there should be a flag on the play.

Helpful Tips:

1. If you are unaware or skeptical about whether they are a real friend or a foe then never discuss the personal details of your relationship. Even if they are a real friend be very careful and cautious of the information you share. A foe will take that information and use it either against you or use that information to make themselves more appealing to you. (i.e. Brian tells Chloe that his girlfriend Veronica is insecure and the next time they see  one another Chloe mentions to Veronica that she should really work on those insecurities). TRIED IT!

2. Make sure that your significant other and your friend know one another enough to feel comfortable both around you and without you. They don’t have to get matching bff tattoos or talk everyday, but they should be able to be cordial to one another.

3. Set boundaries. Unless there is an emergency do not have a friend calling during intimate hours (you can decide those hours with your partner). Also, asking your significant other to cut off any opposite sex friends who were there before you is a little hard, but anyone who is new and you honestly do not feel comfortable with them being around is an option for a cut off with GOOD reason. Sorry, not sorry. #kanyeshrug

Bonus* Do not make up situations in your head. Ladies this one is especially for us. A lot of times we think it’s our female intuition that tells us that he is really messing around with her when in reality it is our own insecurities messing with our minds. Work diligently within yourself to properly decipher if it’s really female intuition or just a fable you have made up in your mind.

In summary, “real recognizes real [so] stop and consider how many of your friends are starting to look unfamiliar.” 

fake

Distant Loverz

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“Distant lover, lover. So many miles away. Heaven knows I long for youuuu” (singing). Marvin Gaye may have been referring to his lost love, but he nailed one thing…missing your lover is rough. In this day and age long distance relationships are the new black! With social media sites like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Snapchat it’s easy to meet someone who lives hundreds of miles away from you. College is also a huge creator of long distance relationships. You meet in Biology and fall madly in love and then the inevitable happens: summer vacation or even worst graduation. So what are you supposed to do? You miss them! You long for their touch. FaceTime is not the same you will die if you have to go another day away from the love of your life. Too much? But you catch my drift. The truth is long distance relationships are hard work. Here are some tips to help make it a little easier.

1. Have a Plan

Hopefully the goal is not to stay long distance forever because let’s be honest that’s kind of depressing. Set REALISTIC goals for the relationship’s future. Decide who will move where or if you both will embark on a new journey together. Although you would love to move tomorrow be realistic with your expectations and decide on anywhere from six months to a year.

2.Spark it Up!

Long distance relationships sometimes lack an essential component of relationships…physical interaction, but don’t let that stop you! Have movie dates via Skype (Shh! Do not talk during the movie and don’t hog all the popcorn), FaceTime as much as possible, and most importantly make a conscience effort to keep your partner happy. It is very easy to feel alone sometimes in long distance relationships so do random things to show your partner that you are thinking of them. Below are examples of special things you both can do for one another:

  • Movie nights via Skype or FaceTime
  • “Open When” Letters
  • Pizza Delivery during Regular Season/Playoff Games
  • Random Hand Written Letters
  • Flowers
  • Edible Arrangements
  • Message in a Bottle
  • Mani/Pedi Groupons
  • Game Tickets
  • Favorite Team Sports Apparel
  • Random Social Media Post
  • Care Packages
  • Build A Bear w. Voice Recordings
  • Surprise Visits (Favorite)
  • Random “I miss/love you” texts/calls
  • Cards

3. Cherish the Physical Moments

Every relationship will have arguments, but don’t let them dictate the atmosphere of your next visit. Let’s say you fought just before the drive to meet one another and you are super annoyed with one another. Stop! This may be the only time this month that you both will get to see one another so put the petty drama aside and truly enjoy one another’s company. The fighting can start again when you leave, although I don’t recommend that. -_- If you spend the quality time fighting you will regret it as soon as your partner leaves…trust me.

4. Think Positive

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I know, I know it is very cliché, but that saying is very true. The intensity of seeing your partner after weeks of not seeing them in person will make that time more special. The best thing about long distance relationships is you get to strengthen the most important component of any relationship…communication. You have no choice but to talk to one another because honestly it’s all you have sometimes. Cuddling is nice, but learning the ins and outs of your partner is essential to any long lasting relationship.

Always remember, “Missing someone gets easier every day because even though you are one day further from the last time you saw them, you are one day closer to the next time you will.”

LD

What About Your Friends?

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Once upon a time there were two friends who did everything together. They shopped together, studied together, they even finished each others sentences. They vowed they would be friends forever and nothing would ever come between them, but then the inevitable happened…one of them found love. Suddenly the calls were less frequent, the shopping trips halted, and they even stopped finishing each others sentences. Her friend was devastated and she didn’t know what to do. How could she go on without her friend? Oh, the agony! Okay, maybe this scenario is a bit exaggerated, but we all have either been the “Forgotten Friend” or the “Distant Lover”. So what do you do in a situation like this?

Forgotten Friend

1. Communicate the REAL Issue
You aren’t upset or bitter that your friend has a new boyfriend (at least I hope you’re not). You are upset because you feel like she found love and dumped you. Sometimes people behave differently and do not realize it. Talk to her about it and make sure you express your feelings effectively. You do not want her to think you are jealous of her new love.

2. Mirror Mirror on the wall
There’s a huge possibility that if you were the one with a new guy that your brain could be filled with thoughts of him and nothing else. Keep in mind that you won’t be single forever and will want her to be understanding when love comes knocking at your door.

3. Be supportive and Never Say “I Told You So”
Although you may feel forgotten, always make sure your friend still feels your support. This may be hard because you may experience feelings of betrayal or abandonment. In spite of it all, you must remain a friend. The guy may turn out to be a total douche bag and the last thing she wants or needs to hear is that you knew all along that this was a fluke and would not last. Even if they work out, be supportive and not bias in any advice you may give.

4. Friends are Forever, Boys are Whenever
Childish saying, right? Realistically there is some truth to this rhyme. Whether she breaks up with him or they end up happily married you will always be her friend. Eventually, a real friend will return from “Lover’s Land” and recognize that she has been neglecting her friend for her man. Be patient, have faith, and be prepared to welcome her back with open arms.

Distant Lover

1. World Stop…Carry On
While you may be on Cloud 9 everyday, your friends may really be feeling left out. They may be going through things and need you, but you are not around to notice. Be sensitive to your friend’s feelings and don’t immediately think that they are jealous of you. Eight times out of ten they just really miss their friend.

2. Schedule, Schedule, Schedule!
You two may not talk everyday like you use to, but never allow too much time to go by without some form of communication. If you two always went out for drinks on the 5th of every month, continue to do that. Don’t let your relationship have precedent over your “Girl Time” (Unless of course that day is of significance).

3. Snap out of it!
Guys come and go, but real friends are forever. You have to ration your time between your friends, your man, and the most important person in this equation…you. Don’t get so consumed with trying to please everyone else that you forget about yourself.

4. Use Discretion.
When you finally realize that you have been neglecting your friend you will want to fill her in on all the things she has missed. Make sure you still paint your boyfriend in a good light. You don’t have to tell your friends every time your boyfriend messes up. Balance the negative with some positive. You don’t want her to become resentful towards him and eventually resent you for staying with someone she does not think is worthy of your heart.

Always remember, true friendship is not being inseparable. It’s being separated and nothing changes.

friend

“Dear Love…”

DearLoveTitle


It’s been a while since we’ve talked and quite frankly I do not know if I believe in you anymore.  I have trusted your power, but somehow I always come up short. I have tried, and tried, and tried again, but the outcome is always the same. I am tired of giving my heart to people who do not deserve it. I am trying to be content in my singleness, but there is a part of me that longs for that connection. I want the love that I read about as a child. The kind of love where you get butterflies just thinking of someone. The kind of love where your reality is better than your dreams. Why are you always skipping over me? I am bombarded with pictures and posts of couples holding hands and I’m wondering if it will ever be my turn? I have had my heart-broken so many times that I am starting to believe that I am not capable of loving and trusting someone again. I want to love, but I’m scared. I am trying to remember how good you feel, but my thoughts have become clouded by the painful memories. Dear Love, I am trying to believe in you again, but I need your help. Please, help me.

Dear Lover,
               I know right now it seems like my power is gone and you think your broken heart cannot be healed. I know the future of love looks grim and you think you will be alone forever. I promise my power can change any situation. I can take your broken heart, patch up the broken pieces, and make it work like never before BUT only for the right person. So fear not! You have to trust that I am searching far and wide for the person who is capable of protecting your heart. I will find the one who you thought was only a figment of your imagination and couldn’t possibly be real. I will turn those dreams into a reality, but only when the time is right. I know it seems like I have let you down before, but the truth is that was not me. I endure all things and overcome every obstacle. During this time I will teach you how to love the most important person…yourself. Then and only then will you experience my real power and love like never before. Be patient. I will not let you down. Please, do not give up on me.

Love

Always remember, LOVE never fails.

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“The Rough Patch”

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The thrill is gone! Well not really, but it sure feels that way, right? The constant need for physical connection is dwindling and truth be told you secretly enjoy your alone time. So why do you feel so bad? It’s normal, right? You knew the relationship wouldn’t be perfect all the time, right? Now he/she is doing things that make your skin crawl like her constant need to talk during a movie or the way he farts in the morning and doesn’t say excuse me. Well my friend I have your diagnosis…you have exited the Honeymoon Stage of your relationship and have now entered into what I like to call the “Rough Patch.” There are fewer heart emojis and rare I miss you mores. You’ve entered the hard work stage of your relationship. Your meeting agenda was filled with hearts with your future initials and you felt the need to include their name in every convo. “Can you pass the ketchup? Steve loves ketchup.” The fact of the matter is that every healthy relationship starts with the Honeymoon Stage and I’m sorry to let you down, but it doesn’t always stay that way. Once you’ve hit the “Rough Patch” the things that you overlooked before now enrage you and you think that your partner has become complacent and is changing when in most cases he has never put the soap back in the soap dish. You’re just now realizing it because the blinders of love have been lifted. The good news is it doesn’t last forever and sometimes the “Rough Patch” can be insightful. Below you’ll find some tips to help you cope with that “Rough Patch.”

dog

1. This is normal! No one is perfect all the time.

I’m guilty of this one myself. You’re arguing more and you think the relationship has run its course. Change your thinking. Now you can really see your partner for who they really are without those love blinders. Then you can truly learn to accept their true authentic selves. You learn to love them past their mess. Truth be told they are things you need to change too so change together and don’t expect it overnight.

2. Talk it out.

Communication is important in the Rough Patch because now you can decipher the deal breakers from what you can honestly live with (Yes, it’s possible to live with something you can’t stand). Maybe you can’t deal with him leaving his clothes all around the house, but you can deal with watching The Voice with her once a week. It’s all about compromise.

3. Rekindle the flame.

Don’t settle and get complacent in the Rough Patch. Do things to combat the arguing or disagreements. Try something new, learn to date new ways, try “just because gifts”, etc. These things make the Rough Patch more enjoyable. The important thing to remember here is that you love one another.

4. Stick it out.

If he/she is worth fighting for, FIGHT! The Rough Patch is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to mean the end of your relationship. Have an honest conversation with yourself and each other and decide whether your relationship has really run its course or if you’re just going through a rough patch.

5. See the light at the end of the tunnel.

Despite how grim it looks right now, YOU WILL MAKE IT! It’s so easy for us to see our current circumstances and feel defeated, but don’t fret it’s only a test. This will make your relationship stronger because you will have a story to tell. You will accomplish this TOGETHER and you will look back on it and realize that it wasn’t that bad after all. Most of all you BOTH will have to FIGHT for the relationship which will make your partner appreciate you so much more.

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”

In summary, “You can’t have a relationship without any fights, but you can make your relationship worth the fight.”

couples holding hands. -Queen Mes ❤